STRANGLER KILLS SLASHER!
~Carpet Emporium's "Crazy Eddie" Wilson killed by Scranton Strangler
~Evidence proves Wilson's the Scranton Slasher
~Scranton Strangler can't collect $100,000 reward without facing five murder charges
FUCK
Morning Star Gazette Reporter
March 6, 2010
Gazette Reporter
March 6, 2010
The rivalry between the Scranton Slasher and the Scranton Strangler has ended as no Scrantonian could have predicted-
with the Strangler killing the more prolific Slasher.
"I was like, 'no way'," said Police Chief Wally Founder. "I was sure they got that backwards."
Edward Wilson, owner of the Carpet Emporium on Route 62, was found strangled to death near the Gazette offices Wednesday morning.
The method was consistent with the Strangler's four other victims.
Investigators were shocked to find the Slasher's
"The Strangler's a hero, of sorts," said Mayor Christopher A. Doherty. "I mean, he's a cold-blooded killer, but he did stop the greater threat."
Invetigators say, in retrospect, they should have noticed the Slashings all coincided with big sales at Crazy Eddie's Carpet Emporium.
"We didn't think that was relevant," said Founder.
Scrantonians have already come out of hiding, no longer cowering in fear for their lives.
"I feel so much safer with the Slasher gone," said school teacher Melissa Crawford.
"At least we don't have to pay the 100 grand," said Mayor Doherty.
What the-
How the-
Can you believe this?
What the fucking shit?
Goddammit!
The one good thing I've ever done in this world and I can't even-
FUCK!
There must be a God-
Only a God could fuck with me this much.
All that money!
I could have paid off my student loans.
I could have paid for counseling for my problem.
Hell, I'd be happy to pay the gas bill.
My cat froze to death last week.
He never judged me.
Now what do I have?
Absolutely nothing at all.
What's the point now?
Oh, fuck everybody.
I give up.
CHARACTER
PROFILE:
The Scranton
Strangler
Scranton Police Dept
Five Minutes Too Late
the Scranton Slasher Saga
1: Biding My Time
2: Strangler Loses Another Victim
3: Slasher Outkilling Strangler
4: Strangler Getting Ass Kicked
5: Slasher Slashing Escaped Stranglees
Epilogue: Reporter Honored, Strangled
PROFILE: Scranton Strangler
PROFILE: Scranton Slasher
Scranton police received a call from famed psychic columnist Colleen Yang Wednesday morning about the Strangler/Slasher conflict, just five minutes after they were called about the body they would soon know was the Scranton Slasher... read column
